Still here, just not with me… How long until I stop crying and accept this new reality?

I lost dogs as a child, and I cried a few times, but life seemed to move on in a way that it's not this time.

The thing is, my sweet girl didn't pass. She's not really gone. She's only gone from me. She's perfectly healthy, but I'll never get to see her again. She wasn't mine to start with, my ex had her a couple years before we met. But I swear if we have soulmates in dogs, she's mine. I've never loved a pet like I love her.

Her favorite toys are stuffies. She carries them around like babies. I kept one at my new place for the few occassions that I got to watch her after the breakup. They moved away a few days ago. Officially no contact. My days all end painfully now. Arms wrapped around her stuffy, pulling it into my chest. Trying to somehow feel her heartbeat through it. Trying to transmit the energy of my love to her, wherever she is. I tell her how much I love her every night. But she'll never know.

I get stuck in all the thoughts. Does she feel my absence? Does she recognize that I've been gone? Does she think I'll come back? Is she waiting for me to? Does she miss me? Think of me? Does she think I abandoned her? Does she still love me every night?

Idk if anyone else here has lost a dog in a breakup and had to go no contact. For your sake, I hope not. But if anyone can relate, I'm struggling. It's a grief different than death. In some ways, worse. It's been a long time coming. I've had time to prepare. I started grieving months ago, it's only just now that they moved and went no contact. The end came. And even though I've known for months that it would, and have already grieved and cried plenty, I still can't stop. Every night I hold her stuffy and feel a missing piece of my life. How do I fall asleep to that? How many more tears will it take to accept this reality?