Puppy went back to breeder

This is a vent but at the same time a vent with questions. We gave our 9 week old puppy back to the breeder after I realized I wasn’t ready in the ways I thought. We had her for a week, not long at all. My husband made the executive decision as he knew I wasn’t able to. I’m not angry with him, but I almost wish I stopped him. I connected to her fast and so did my youngest son. I’m a mom to two boys, and a student myself in college, but I thought for sure I could make it all work. I had very unexpected trauma come back in from my first childhood puppy.

The pup from my childhood was a black lab, energetic and strong. My mother received him as a gift and tried her best to make it work… training, patience, all of what you can guess my mother tried and I tried with her. One evening, he broke off the leash (again he was very strong), was hit by a vehicle and died in front of me in our home. That trauma is old. I’m in my 30s and that happened when I was about 10 years old. But I learned through this experience that, that trauma was not handled as I thought it was.

In the course of 2 days that trauma that came as a flashback when my son accidentally dropped the puppies leash absolutely destroyed me. I tried to rationalize and cope but it just wasn’t working. I stopped functioning… full stop, stopped functioning. I’m still struggling to function. I feel awful, I lost 6 pounds in two days from not eating, I’m still struggling to eat. It’s not just because of the trauma but because I really saw myself and my children growing up with this pup and the most unexpected trauma from over two decades ago came through and hit me like a brick. I was terrified that if I kept the puppy that she would have the same fate as my childhood dog did. Her personality wasn’t the same. What was the same was the proximity to my mothers home, my sons age, and where he goes to school… all were the same. I feel as though I’ve failed, and maybe I should feel that way? I’m not even sure. What I do know is that, I am putting myself into therapy to revisit this trauma to ensure it is taken care of. Sure, puppy blues played a part no doubt, but the biggest thing is the trauma. I can’t help but ask myself if we did the right thing by giving her back? I’m also asking myself am I just not meant to have a dog? I know this all will pass. It’s just hard in the now because less than 24 hours ago I had a puppy in my home, and now, I don’t. I loved the dog, I just couldn’t see beyond the unexpected dark cloud that came in.

Thanks for listening to my tangent